stop feeling left behind in life

I get a lot of messages from all sorts of different people…

Here’s a recurring theme, a problem that almost all of them have.

They’re all trying to chase some form of a dream that they can’t really define. 

They’re running a race, but they can’t quite tell where the finish line is, or why they started running in the first place. 

But they still feel like they’re losing, they’re behind…

And honestly it’s something that I have been thinking about too. 

Everyone chases “success”. But it means different things to different people. 

To most people, it means having status.

Contrary to what you might think, people don’t chase lots of money. They chase status. The status associated with having lots of money. 

They don’t want an expensive car, they want the status associated with having an expensive car. 

You get where I’m going…

But that’s where things get tricky. 

Status comes form having something that society at large, values. Money, expensive stuff, large homes, well paying jobs, etc.

The key phrase here is “what society values”. Not something that ‘you’ value, but something that ‘other people’ value. 

So the goal, the finish line, is attainment of something that people value. 

This is where unhappiness and resentment is born. 

When people are forced to work on goals that were fed to them. Goals they can’t even see clearly, because they didn’t create them in the first place. 

This is the disease that plagues society and youth. 

But as to all things of similar nature, there is a cure. 

Which is what I want to discuss. 

Hopefully, this helps you see things in a different light…

Optimising for the wrong metrics:

The greatest miseries of life come from optimising for the wrong metrics. 

When I say optimise for, it means taking decisions with the intention or purpose of maximising a given metric (money, health, etc)

I think a lot of people would be much happier if they redefined their measures of success and chose carefully what they optimise their life and decisions for. 

Most people choose to optimise for status.

From the outset it looks like they’re optimising for money, but that’s often not the case. 

Imagine someone earning a ton of money money, having a great job, but doing work they absolutely hate. 

If they stay at that job long enough, they’re going to be miserable. Maybe over time they get used to being miserable but that’s no the point. 

Now the decision to stay at that job may look like they’re optimising for money. 

But more often than not, they’re optimising for status, as mentioned above. 

Let me explain why. Leaving that job, and getting another one that pays less, would mean downgrading their lifestyle. 

Maybe a less fancy car. Maybe a less fancy apartment. 

It would also mean facing the brunt of societal and parental criticism. Looking lesser in the eye of society, parents, their spouses, etc. 

Most people can’t digest this. So they will plough on. Continue to do things that make them miserable.

And mind you the option isn’t limited to taking another job. In the world we inhabit, there are endless options of things you can do. 

The only qualifier is you should be willing to slog it out for a little bit. That could mean living on bare minimum for a while. 

But an overwhelming majority won’t make that trade. 

So they remain miserable and continue to live their lives. Because that’s what they’ve been taught to do.

Now this does not mean you should never optimise for money. There are definitely periods in your life, where you may have to optimise for money. 

Maybe you’re getting married soon. Or there’s a health problem in your family. Or you want to make a big purchase. 

But those periods are temporary. And even then, you’re not really optimising for “money”. You’re optimising for the utility that you will get out of money in that period. And notice I still said, optimise for “money”. Never, for status.

What to optimise for?

No let’s look at the other side of it. Look at some people who live the most content, fulfilled lives. What do they optimise for?

For things that bring them that deep sense of fulfilment. 

I have a really good friend who wanted to become a full time musician. He used to teach the guitar during the week, and try to get gigs on weekends. 

For the longest time, he wasn’t making a ton of money. He lived well below his means, not concerned at all about status. Everyday he optimised his life for what he loved. Which was music. 

Over time, things improved and today he is a full time touring musician, playing with some of the biggest artists of the country. 

He could’ve easily taken up a job, and done something that he didn’t truly enjoy, for the sake of status and money. But he chose not to.

Would society call him successful? I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not. But what I can tell you, is I’ve seen people who make 10x more money than him, but aren’t half as happy.

So who won and who lost? You decide for yourself. 

I want to end with a passage by Ralph Waldo Emerson that caught my eye in a book I was reading recently. 

Probably the most beautiful, and uniquely presented definition of success I have ever read. 

Perhaps one that you can borrow from, when trying to define it for yourself…

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate the beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch Or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!”

Until next time,

— Khyatt