why I don't have many friends

When I was entering college, I had a vision in my head of what my college life would look like. 

Among the countless disappointments I encountered there, probably the biggest one was what I’m about to share with you. (in hindsight, I’m glad it happened)

I thought I would make a lot of friends, meet new people, make connections with like minded individuals. 

But none of that happened. I made 0 new friends in college.

And that doesn’t mean that I didn’t meet people, there were obviously those who helped me with exams, assignments, etc.

I interacted with a lot of new people. But none that I would call, my “friend”

Because I’m very selective about using that word. (More on that later)

As a result, even today, I have a tiny circle. The only people who are in it, are the ones that deserve to be there.

I have thought a lot about it…and the impact it has had on my life. 

One of the benefits of my rather solitary college experience, is that I often got to observe complex social interactions and interpersonal dynamics from the outside. 

And in this email, I want to break them down for you. 

This will be an eye opener for people on both extremes. 

The ones who have a lot of friends, the ones who have none, and everyone in between.

Read on…

Friendship: 

Friendship is a word whose sanctity has been abused of late. 

Maybe Zuckerberg gets part of the blame for commoditising the word ‘friend’

Maybe people are just lonely and want company.

Regardless of the cause, the effects are catastrophic.

The root cause of most friendship relates problems is that people confuse “friends” with “people they hang out with”.

There are several elements to friendship. 

The most basic, is companionship. A friend is a companion. 

The literal definition of a companion is someone who gives you company. 

All friends are companions but all companions are NOT your friends. 

This is what people don’t understand. 

They mistake companions, for friends. But companionship is only one of the several elements of friendship. 

There are a lot of other elements of friendship like camaraderie, mutual encouragement, provision of support, brutal honesty, etc.

A friendship void of these elements remains hollow and brittle.

But seldom will people practice these other elements. 

Because they are uncomfortable to put into practice.

And so, as with most other things of similar nature, people will choose to be wilfully blind to them.

Which ultimately leads to the mutually assured destruction of the friendship. 

Most people are victims of one of two situations. 1) Too many friends, and 2) Bad friends

More friends ≠ better life:

• “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18, Verse 24.

The number of friends you have has become a symbol of social acceptance. 

Like the stars on the shoulders of a man in the military.

But in reality, they mean nothing. 

A lot of people, especially in a college setting, like to move in herds. Or “groups” as they might address themselves.

Meaning, that they have large groups of “friends” that all hangout together.

But I have found through careful observation, that it is next to impossible to have that many friends, and have deep, genuine, fulfilling friendships with all of them. 

And because of this, the cracks start to become visible over time.

I have seen this play out time and again.

Large groups of “friends” hanging out, having the time of their lives, until something goes wrong, someone cheats on someone within the group, or a secret comes out, or two factions develop, and the cracks start to widen till there is a fracture followed by the ultimate and often violent explosion of the members.

A lot of people don’t realise this, but when people aren’t selective about their friends, it has terrible consequences. 

The impact of bad company:

The impact of social interactions on our lives and behaviour is well documented.

And yet most people underestimate it.

• “Show me your friends and I will show you your future” 

  -Dan Pena.

Who you choose to hang out with is probably one of the most important variables of your life.

It impacts your actions, your behaviour, your thoughts, your goals, your ambitions, everything. 

And yet we spend so little time thinking about it. 

It’s almost a passive decision for most people. 

But here’s a reminder of why you need to be more careful. 

In my 4 years of college life, I saw every bit of the dark impact that wrong influence can have on a person.

I saw promising young men and women, turn their lives into a meaningless chaos due to influence of the people they called friends. 

• Some picked up addictions like smoking, alcohol, drugs, gambling

• Some felt the need to dress a certain way

• Some changes their behaviours

• Some changes their actions

• Some changed themselves

And not in a good way. 

And almost all of these “friendships” fell apart in 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, etc.

But they had already done the damage.

Being alone is fine :

I measure a friendship by the total amount of value created on both sides. 

And I don’t mean it in a material or financial sense, but in a more holistic sense.

If both people’s lives improve because of the presence of the friendship, then it is one worth having. 

But at the same time, it is better to have no friends and be alone, than have 10 friends who don’t understand your goals and add value to your life.

After living this life for the last 4 years, I have realised that if you have big goals and dreams, it will be hard to find people that align with those goals. 

People whom you can trust.

Who will speak the truth

Who will stand by you when you need them, 

Who will support you in everything that you do,

And who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear,

People, whom you can call friends. 

If you have found them, hold onto them for dear life. 

If you haven’t, don’t worry. You will.

But till then, learn to thrive alone.

It will serve you well.

P.S. if you enjoy my content, I have started to put a lot of stuff out on Youtube, would really appreciate if you check it out…thanks!